Bittersweet World...

boring!

2011-06-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

i'm currently in penang coz cuti sem so i've decided to come back...but just for a while...heheh...x tahan kot dok sini lama2...hurm boring coz adik aku asyik tusyen ja...pastu aku dok umah dok mengadap laptop ja...serious macam org xdak life! aku nk keluaq, jalan2 p queensbay tapi keta lak mcm2 masalah, roadtax x renew lah apa lah...keta serena plak aku bawak ckit2 mati enjin and aku mmg x konfiden bwk keta manual tapi still aku bwk jugak la kan coz aku desperate nak keluaq...hahah....kucing pun semuanya x brapa nak manja...van dgn bob lak dh hilang...sedeh...mama pun dah xdak....friggin sad to live with that fact...everyday i cry....people might think i'm happy and ok now but deep down inside i feel like i'm being torn into pieces...but i guess i have to live with that huh...hurm...owh and lagi satu kalo dok penang mesti boring, pastu bila boring asyik lapaq ja....adoii camna nak kurus ni kalau asyik rasa nak makan ja every hour...huhuu -__-

~weird~

2010-08-04T20:36:00.002+08:00

i don't know whether i am crazy or forgettable or maybe i am living in denial...

why i said these things are because sometimes i still can't believe that my mom had passed away....

yeah sometimes i breakdown when i think of her,usually at night before i sleep & usually when i wake up...i will burst into tears coz i know she's gone...yesterday,someone said to me "kirimsalam kat mak", then without a single word, i just smile then left....i didn't feel sad or anything but it just snap me...reality just slapped me right on my face and said "wake up" ur mom is gone! until now, i just can't believe it.....i always feel like she's still in Penang, in her room, watching tv....but it's also weird coz i haven't received a call from her for almost 3 months and yet i still keep her number in my contacts...weird huh....even weird that i still kept her messages in my inbox tp dh terdelete dgn x sengaja :( ........i also feel weird yg aku dh lama x balik Penang...usually every month i will go back at least dua kali....tp skrg dh dkt 2 bulan aku x balik, i just feel that there's no use of going back home regularly anymore....even tgh cuti sem skrg, aku x beriya-iya pun nk blk.....coz i know when i go home reality will definitely slap me again and show me that my mother's room is empty and that her things are gone, and also the fact that we have to go visit her at the cemetery.....now that is REALITY.....but despite everything that had happened to me, i am blessed because i can still carry on with my life normally....although i still think that 2009 & 2010 had been the worst years of my entire breathing life....

anak mami...

2010-06-27T04:36:00.000+08:00

i hate it when people ask me "where are u from?", then i said "penang", then they'll say "owh,anak mami la ni or something like, anak mami ke?".....my god! how shallow can u be?? i mean not everybody from penang is anak mami...and i hate it when people say that...take note that i am not anak mami and arwah mak aku jugak bukan mami....yes, i was born and raised in penang but that doesn't make me anak mami okayy...plus both of my parents are from johor and perak....

ha lagi satu bila aku kata bukan anak mami, boleh lagi dok tanya "yeke?mcm anak mami jer?"...kalo dah aku kata bukan tu bukan la..x paham2 bahasa jugak...how do these people who are not from penang know how anak mami really look like??i mean, even aku pun x sure anak mami tu mcm mana rupa...hurmm...maybe some people are wondering, why am i so sensitive about this...i hate it because people are saying i am what i am not....even my sisters pun slalu tanya "awat yg heran sgt?"...maybe that's just who i am....aku x suka org ckp benda yg x betol pasal aku :)

baby I'm back,back,back.........

2010-06-23T04:23:00.001+08:00

hehehehe....i'm BACK!! it's been awhile! busy sgt lately ni smp x sempat nk menulis kat blog ni...hehe...ni br la nak ada chance but actually xtau pun nak tulis apa...hahahahaha...i am BORED AS HELL!! it's 4:19am and i'm still awake....still having trouble sleeping :(

i guess maybe around 7 i fell asleep...usually time2 tu br aku tido....what is wrong with me anyway???why can't i sleep???at least aku ada hobi baru....hehe...u know...play restaurant city to kill time :)

macamana ni haa??

2010-06-11T06:22:00.001+08:00

ishh aku benci toi la ngan unitar ni...menyusahkan org toi laa....aku rasa mcm nak tukaq kolej ja....tapi dah nak habih dah...haiihhh...problemnya skrg nii aku x sukaaaaaaaaa in fact benciiiiiiii, HATE, LOATHE dgn major literature nih !! totally not my field.....benci2 !! tapi aku terpaksa ambik jgk...adoihhh...sebab depa ni x reti nak offer major lain selain literature dgn tesol...tesol mmg aaah....jgn harap aku nk jadi cikgu...reason x offer major lain sbb x cukup lecturer...kalo camtu baik awai2 xyah tulih dlm pamphlet tuh...leh aku apply kolej lain awai2..bodo! mmg nak duit ja unitar ni...bullshit!!

i REALLY feel at peace....

2010-06-11T06:14:00.001+08:00

i feel at peace after listening to :-

- al-fatihah & yassin by saad al ghamdi

- salawat Nabi Muhammad by sami yusuf

dah download msk ipod....so lepas ni bila2 jiwa x tenang boleh la dgr lagi :)

Hopefully....

2010-05-31T02:38:00.004+08:00

I am trying to be a better person now...and aku suka dgn perubahan yg aku dah buat skarang ni...hopefully this will mantain in the long run...I am trying to leave the past in the past...since my mom died, I've looked through several things in this life and I realized that I didn't know much about Islamic things...after reading some books,surfing the internet and asking my dad about this stuff...alhamdulillah,finally I can catch up...it's not much but at least I know things that I couldn't even care less to know about before my mom died...baru2 ni aku sendiri beli buku pasal alam barzakh...lepas dah baca buku tu baru aku sedar yang hidup di dunia ni sementara dan hidup di akhirat adalah selama-lamanya...so sementara aku masih hidup aku akan cuba yg terbaik utk jadi org yang baik...buku tu banyak info yg sedarkan diri aku ni...hopefully,I'll be a true muslimah in the future and also die as a muslimah...coz I believe that my mom died as a muslimah and I'm really hoping that I could meet her again...in another life...

I'm trying to live my life normally now...Yes,u will see me laugh,smile,having fun with my friends and act like nothing happened...but underneath all the guise I am gradually dying inside...I think that I can never be happy again...no matter what...if I get married, my mom won't be there...if I graduate, my mom won't be there...and so on...in my opinion,she went too early...but I've got to accept it and I do...aku redha...it's just that it's kinda hard to believe...sometimes I feel like she's still alive and she's not home bcoz she's working someplace else...but hopefully sooner or later I'll get used to the fact that my mom had passed away and that she had left us permanently................

Gone....

2010-05-11T21:05:00.003+08:00

Tuesday,11th May 2010.....around 7AM my dad woke us all up saying that my mother had stopped breathing...guess she stopped breathing in her sleep....my dad was crying during that time....and to my surprise I didn't cry...only at first but I was totally speechless...after I came back from picking up my little sister from school,I cried hard....People started to come and my house was so crowded....then around 6PM,after dah kebumi aku pergi kubur....my dad won't let me and my sisters tgk pengebumian so we went after my mom dh dikebumikan....

My mom suffered from lung cancer at first but the cancer spreads then it became lung and bowel cancer....and recently the tumor grew on the heart which makes it very difficult for her to breathe....she's been struggling to breathe eversince the blockage appears....it's very painful for me and my family to see her like that....when i saw her this morning,i felt a sense of relief eventhough in my heart I felt like screaming and crying...this is because...she had finally "rest in peace"....~Al-Fatihah~

It's a coincidence that all of my family members are here....and it's also a coincidence that she passed away at our home and on her own bed....because she was discharged from the hospital yesterday night....and it's a good thing that she didn't passed away at the hospital.....

The sad thing is that since last friday,she's not able to talk and even move on her own...as if she was completely paralysed...and I think that she might probably wanted to say something before she died but unfortunately she can't even speak.....The thing that shocked me the most is that,she knew she's going to leave us...and yesterday I saw her cry...she can't actually really open her eyes but as I was standing next to her bed looking at her,I saw tears as she looked me in the eyes............

I Hate The Fact That I'm Not Strong........ENOUGH !!

2010-05-10T13:21:00.012+08:00

I'm trying my best not to cry when i see my mother today and I am trying so hard to "redha" with everything that's been happening lately....but I still can't control my sadness everytime i see her....my mother's condition getting worst from day to day....I've already accepted the fact that she has cancer and the tumor getting bigger and bigger everyday and this kills me....but still I went through with my life normally for more than a year since my mom was diagnosed with this illness sometime in March last year...until now....I think that I can still live normally and I am quite prepared for what's going to happen next...but....the problem is I can't stand myself to look at her...I mean I just can't....I can't be in the hospital, I'd rather be at home....at least when I'm at home I don't cry and I don't feel like dying myself....Hospital makes me feel depressed as hell...

Situation's All Critical...

2010-05-10T03:24:00.003+08:00

Sunday, 9th May 2010...I arrived in my hometown, Penang around 9 in the morning...I was feeling uneasy since yesterday as the day i'm coming back home is nearly approaching...and today, I don't know what to expect of my mother...As I entered her ward, I was shocked !! I can't believe that in 3 weeks time since I last saw her that she has changed a lot...and in a BAD way...She was so weak...I can't even look at her...I am a very very sensitive person and as I see her like this, in pain, I cried....My tears won't stop falling....I don't know if she'll ever gonna be okay....all I can do now is pray to Allah S.W.T.....and I will try my best to prepare myself for the worst...Amin....

Hopefully my mom will be okay and in my heart I know she will if she still hoping to live but right now I think that she thinks...that there's no more hope in living.....

Again !!

2010-05-07T19:08:00.002+08:00

Lagi skali broadband xleh guna...lagi skali benda mcm ni nk jd time aku sorg2...haiihh...mati kutu aku malam2 kalo mcm nih...during the day aku x heran sgt coz bleh lepak kat luar tp mlm2..ishh boring btoi !! and lagi skali jgk dpt bad news psl mama...hurmm....dlu mama boleh la bayar broadband slalu tp skrg sakit dh makin teruk sapa lagi nk tolong bayar...org lain mmg xleh harap laa....dlu aku suka balik penang coz bleh relax,enjoy and suka2 time cuti but now....aku dh xdk mood nk balik coz i know it's gonna be friggin' depressing!! my mom is sick and we can't do anything about it....yeah i know the fact that in the end,everybody dies... but i don't know how i'm gonna handle the situation when the time comes....

Then again,like it or not...i have to go back home...i have to see my mother...i mean i had to...although i REALLY hate to see her like that...i can just pray that she's going to be alright...or so i hope...

mood : SAD :'(

I HATE THIS !!

2010-05-05T02:14:00.002+08:00

Here I am...sitting at the edge of my bed,alone in my bedroom...god...i'm so bored,plus i am currently sick! That sucks! I've been coughing like crazy for the past hours...I mean I've taken my meds and all but still the coughing won't stop...in fact it got worse! I was watching a movie earlier,Dorian Gray but I haven't actually finished it yet...and I don't think I'm gonna continue after this...I mean it's LOUSY!!

Hurmm...I hate the fact that I'm suffering from sleeping disorders...I've always had trouble to sleep unless if I got really tired...*sigh*...I really wish that I could easily fall asleep the moment I lay my head on my pillow just like everybody else...but unfortunately I can't fall asleep just like that and i seriously don't know why...

My god! How do I stop this violents coughing??

mood : SICK!!

Lepaking at D'Galley Kelana Mall

2010-05-04T17:21:00.007+08:00

this is our everyday routine...me and my best friend,
atikah tiap2 hari lepak kat sini...best sgt ada kawan yg sekepala ni...dua2 x suka duk umah & dua2 suka melepak and both of us boleh lepak lama mcm mana pun xkan boring...we gossip,swap stories about each other's life,bitch about guys that broke our hearts...hahaha...sgt2 best bila dpt kutuk org yg dh broke our hearts neh...however we both live a happy life :))

keep this in mind : all u gotta do to be happy is to just live ur life and enjoy it while u still can...

Got everybody watchin what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And see the way I'm livin if you really want to
Got my mind on my money
And I'm not goin nowhere
So keep on gettin your paper
And keep on climbing
Look in the mirror and keep on shining
Till the game ends, till the clock stops
We gon' post up on the top spot
Livin the life, the life
In a brand new city got my whole team with me
The life, my life
I do what I wanna do
I'm livin my life, my life
I will never lose, I'm livin my life, my life
And I'm not stopping

So live your life!

My Own Comeback :)

2010-05-04T04:57:00.013+08:00

4 May 2010...4:51 AM...i'm still awake...

baru lepas kemas bilik coz boring sgt xtau nk watpe dh...

still batuk2 lagi...and yes batuk ni jgk la yg membuatkan aku susah nk tido :(

it's been almost 2 years since aku last tulis blog ni...

neway...aku start tulis balik pun coz atikah suruh hahaha...

and since i'm always bored and got nothing to do myself so i figured why not right??

ok that's it for now...i'm gonna shower coz i dunno why panas sgt mlm ni...hurm...

aite...later :D

The Romantic Play...

2008-07-04T17:27:00.004+08:00

FATHER

I lazily got up from the sofa as my wife reminds me it's time to get dressed. In my head, I could only imagine myself sitting in the theatre watching the romantic play which I have no interest at all. I wish I could be someplace else but unfortunately this is my daughter's birthday wish. I force myself to look good without letting my true feelings show on my face. I put on my best suit and head down the stairs to find my daughter already waiting for me in the living room looking more glowy than usual.  For my daughter's sake, I pretend to look happy and said, "are you ready to go honey?".

I just couldn't concentrate on the play at all. It was boring and totally loud. It feels like my ears are about to explode and I could fall asleep anytime with this loud noise because I'm extremely bored and I just can't wait for it to end. As it ends, I feel so relief and I swear to myself that I'm never ever step foot in a theatre again.

DAUGHTER

I feel so happy today because my birthday wish has finally come true. My daddy had agreed to bring me to watch the romantic play that I've been longing to go all this time. Since I woke up this morning, I just couldn't stop smiling and I kept on looking at my outfit that I'm going to wear tonight. I'm hoping that the dress would look good on me since this a very special occassion for me as it only happen once a year so I've got to make sure that I look my best.

During the play, I am so amaze by the way each character act. They were impressive and the story line is just amazing. My eyes are fixed to the stage the whole time and I realized that I totally neglected my surroundings including my father because I was paying full attention to it. I'm a bit sad when it finally ends because this is the best birthday present I've had and could ever ask for.

Favourite Fiction Character...

2008-06-30T11:56:00.004+08:00

I gotta admit, it's quite hard to pick a favourite fiction character since I have a lot to choose from but I figured I still need to make a choice and after I've made my long hard thinking I've decided to pick Veronica Mars from the hit television series 'Veronica Mars' itself.

I first found out about this television series from the magazines but it was never been on the local television so I bought the complete  series  on  dvd. It was so much better to watch it on dvd because I don't actually have to wait every week for a new episode and the best part is I don't have to watch the boring commercials every ten minutes as shown on tv. So, I  recommend all of you to watch your favourite television series on dvd...hehe ;)

The reason why I chose Veronica is because she is a strong character and she never gave up on anything. She works as an assistant to his father who is a private investigator in Neptune, California. I like the way she talks to people and most of all I adore her fashion sense. Her style is usually seem very casual , funky and looks rugged. Veronica is fearless and eventhough her whole school is against her, she completely ignored them and live her life normally without feeling scared or down at all. Sometimes, the kids at her school asked her to help them with a case and she'll gladly accept it.

You might be wondering why she would help the people that hate her and whom she hates, right? Well, the reason is always about money. She will get paid with a lot amount of money for  a case because most of the kids at her school are rich kids and that's why she's always at their service whenever she's needed. Veronica can also be annoying at times because she always thinks she's right all the time but she can also be funny, cute and extremely smart which makes her my favourite fiction character.

High Fidelity...

2008-06-24T14:51:00.004+08:00

Ok, so we watched a movie in class titled 'High Fidelity' and it was fun to watch a movie with the whole class but I think this movie is not the best choice. Honestly, in my point of view this is not the kind of movie that I usually watched since I'm not really a fan of romantic nor comedy films. I'm more into action and thriller movies but I figured I have no other options but to give out my reaction and response while and after watching the movie so I'm just gonna go ahead and do it.

First of all, I'd have to say that the movie wasn't that bad in fact it's actually quite entertaining. I'm sure most of my classmates disagree with me on this because they seem to enjoy the movie the whole time it was played. My favourite part of the movie is during Barry's part which was played by Jack Black. He's known as one of the famous comedian so you can actually imagine how funny he is but I just think that he is being extra funny in this movie and it's really fun to watch his crazy and annoying character and yet still a good person at heart.

I was actually surprised to find myself paying full attention to the movie and not feel sleepy at all. Usually if I don't like a certain movie, I'll immediately doze off or the longest I could stay and watch might be less than half and hour but surprisingly as it is, I actually kept watching until it finished. I didn't even go to the toilet the whole time it was played. Now, that's pretty shocking for a girl who described this movie as 'wasn't that bad', don't you think?

Overall, in my own opinion, I think that this is a good movie compared to most of the other romantic films that I've watched before. Not to mention the actors and actresses did an excellent job which makes the movie even more interesting.

After watching the movie, all I could think about was what I am going to write in my blog here. In addition, I'd also like to say that this movie is quite inappropriate because there are lots of unhealthy scenes and foul languages being used. Of course some would say that it's ok to watch this movie because all of my classmates including me has reached the legal age of 18 years old to watch this kind of movies. Yes, it is ok but I just think it's not suitable to watch it in the class as an in class activity. After all, I gotta admit that I felt uncomfortable the whole time we were watching this movie.

Early Reading History...

2008-05-28T15:36:00.009+08:00

Honestly, I can't recall the first time I've read or even know the title of my very first story book. I mean I'm 21 years old now, the day when I first started to read is well behind me. I don't remember much but I'm guessing I learned to read during my kindergarten days and I also think the first story book that I ever read was by Enid Blyton. However, I can't remember the title or at what age I was during that time but I'm quite sure that it's somewhere between the age of seven to nine years old.
I still remember the time how my mom used to bought me tons of story books and asked me to read them and back then I actually enjoyed reading each and every one of them. Most of the books are by Enid Blyton and the rest are mostly the Sweet Valley series.
Although I love reading story books when I was younger, it all just seems to changed as I grew older. It became very clear especially since high school when I realized that books are no longer my interest as it used to be, in fact I'm totally not interested in books. My interest had changed from books to something that are way more fun such as magazines, music and movies. However, that doesn't mean I don't read story books at all, I mean even if I think it's boring I know that it's important and I still read them but now I actually have favourites such as Jackie Collins, Suzanne Brockmann and Susan Mallery. Books from these authors are the only books that'll drive me to read and I don't look for any other authors.
Sometimes, I try to read books from other authors but usually they turned out to be boring and there are times that I lasted about two to three pages only. So, I figured I have to stick to my favourite authors whenever I decide to read a story book.

New Semester...

2008-05-28T15:05:00.005+08:00

It's quite a relief to have a short semester after having two long semesters since I took my degree programme or so I thought. The reason why I said that is because I thought that this semester I'm actually able to relax a bit, after all I'm only taking two subjects which is creative writing 1 and business communication 1 but it turned out being the exact opposite. What I meant by opposite is I can hardly relax because UNITAR made a new schedule of having two classes a week per subject and that also means 6 hours of class for each subject. Now, I only have the weekends to actually take some time off my busy life but i guess it's not all that bad, at least I got some free time right?hehe...

The coolest thing about this semester is that I can still get to see my friends and hang out with them since everybody seems to have classes almost everyday. Hmm, that's quite a shocker don't you think? I thought we're supposed to have less classes during short semester. Well, like it or not I still have to deal with the fact that this semester's going to be different and all I can do is stop whining and try to do my best in both subjects that I'm taking, the rest is just not up to me.

I'm really hoping that I could get excellent results, I mean I think I can do it but I'm such a lazy person. I've tried being a nerd once but it never worked. If only I could change my lazy attitude I'm sure I'll succeed but that's gonna need some time. I told my friends that I won't be skipping class this semester but I just don't think that will happen because I seem to say the same thing whenever a new semester starts but in the end my attendance was never full and my friends will end up making fun of me. I couldn't blame them, after all it was my fault.

Whatever it is, I'm just gonna try and and perform my best this semester, plus I'll make sure to study hard for the exam because if I don't get good results my parents are going to kill me. Well, maybe they won't kill me but I'm gonna have to listen to their long lectures which I was really hoping I'd escape.